What is being borderline like? It’s shutting my eyes and not having the energy to open them. It’s constant mental torment. I’m locked in my head not being able to see things how they truly are. My thoughts deceive me and my thinking is a jumbled mess. It’s deep depression like I’ve never known. I relive my mistakes over and over again in my head. And there’s a lot of mistakes. There is no way out out of myself. No way to escape.
Many borderlines self medicate and I’m one of them. I try to stop but that’s where the relief comes. The only way. I don’t know the correct way to feel. I don’t know if what I think and perceive is truly how life is. It’s rambling looking for a way to make sense of the world but not being able to. It’s a puzzle with pieces that don’t fit and maybe never will.
I’m constantly trying to block out the madness and praying I’ll go catatonic . I’m paralyzed and often dissociate to escape myself. But there really is no escape. My mind is in handcuffs and a key doesn’t exist to unlock it.